The Journey That Built Me

This is a repost of a recent email I sent to friends and family, with a few edits.

There's a popular song out now by Miranda Lambert - The House That Built Me. A woman returns to her childhood home in the hope of remembering who she was so she can "find herself". Here's part of it:

You leave home, you move on and you do the best you can.
I got lost in this whole world and forgot who I am.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself.

It's a very pretty song, and we can relate. We move along in life and sometimes need to remember how we started. Places hold memories - and visiting an old home can bring it all back - good and bad. I have many memories of early childhood - I remember sunlight and yellow blankets, warm hands and soft voices. I remember the smell of dust, leather and cooking beef from the Fisher Grandparents' place. I remember the blue toilet water and tiny paper bathroom cups at the Johnson Grandparent's house. But it's not the house, it's the people in it. We are social creatures, and the people around us, especially family, have a tremendous impact. Truly, they "build" us. Even more so, God builds us. I believe that even those who do not seek Him, in His far-reaching ways, are often shaped to His purpose. I understand this brushes on free will, predestination, all that stuff. I always think about Romans 9 when that comes up. What an awesome piece of insight. But that's not what I'm getting at :)

I've been mulling over this for months, and searching for a way to put it in words. We attended a bible class led by Chase Moss a few Sundays ago. And coincidentally (according to Chase) the sermon that morning used the same scripture. So I believe God was speaking to me in a direct way that day. It was the book of Philemon. My summary of it will probably be longer than the book itself. A man named Onesimus was slave to a Christian named Philemon. Slavery in that culture was different in many ways from what we think of today, although I'm sure the cruelties and injustices of it were just as real in many households. Regardless, Onesimus escaped, and went to Paul, who was in prison at the time. After a while, Paul sends Onesimus back to Philemon, as well as a letter which strongly encourages Philemon to take Onesimus back with love, as a new brother in Christ. Paul uses Philemon's own indebtedness as a way to encourage Philemon to clear Onesimus of any outstanding debt. There are many convicting things to consider here. A few of them in particular struck me.

Some of you were in that class - I'm sorry to make you read the summary, but I want my other friends and family to have context.

I feel it's very important that Paul sent Onesimus back. I myself am good at avoiding repercussions and consequences if I can at all avoid them. I try not to lie or do anything completely wrong, but I can dodge and dig in my heels like nobody's business, to the point of self-destruction. I will leave rather than confront something that seems overwhelming. I will disengage, go around or simply sever. Truly my internal war against selfishness comes to light -- My way or the highway, even if my way kills me, or I'm the one on the highway. Onesimus probably had good reason to want to escape slavery. Christianity introduced so many ideas of freedom I'm sure it was easy to apply it to his current situation as justification for breaking the law. If I was Onesimus I would probably have been inclined to become a wandering preacher, spreading the Good News everywhere BUT Collossae (Philemon's city). But Paul knew that a wound like that cannot stand, and will only poison a life in the long run. Throughout the history of God's relationship with mankind, the themes of covenants (honored and broken), reconciliation, repentance, forgiveness, and holiness abound. God could have turned away from the mess that humanity became, but He sought reconciliation through His own blood, literally and figuratively. We must keep our covenants, both to man and God (thanks for that lesson Sunday, Grant). We must seek reconciliation. We must repent, we must forgive. There is no growth - no fruit-bearing life with out these things.

Chase mentioned that Onesimus' journey back to Philemon was over 1000 miles and called us to consider what the journey must have been like for Onesimus. I'm guessing that was a few months of travel. But even if it were a few days it doesn't matter. Was there fear? Guilt? Uncertainty? I can imagine a ongoing state of wounded spirit, like a bleeding soul, that nothing can quite bandage. He was a forgiven man, with spiritual freedom and eternal life a transforming presence, but his footsteps were stained with spiritual blood - damaged relationships, broken laws and covenants - until he could face the consequences and seek reconciliation. I believe Onesimus, who had already changed so much in his journey to Paul, was changing even more significantly as he traveled back to meet his "demons". The journey is a fertile ground for God to work. And the more direct, the more focused, that journey is the more God changes us. In my experience a wandering soul that is only following its whims changes slowly. A repentant soul on a holy (dedicated) journey changes dramatically. Not by merit of the traveler's will, but by becoming fertile ground for the Spirit to work. I have so many scriptures - but this is getting really long. I wish I could have traveled with Onesimus and watched him grow. But I don't have to. My life feels like one long journey of repentance lately. I pray that God sees a prodigal son and is merciful.

I wanted to say to myself and pass it on to you, for what it's worth – Remember where you started and know where you want to go. Open your heart to God and your paths will become straight (Proverbs 3:5-6). Don't run away from your responsibilities. Don't flee consequence. We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (Rom. 8:28). We are foreknown, predestined, called, justified, and glorified.

For those of you I have run from, I'm sorry. For those of you I have hurt to get my way, I'm sorry. I imagine the closer you and I are, the more likely I owe you a repentant apology. I love you all in the ways God has prepared for each of us. And I hope our paths lay alongside each other for as long as God allows.